Terribly Tuesday.
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Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths