When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
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8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Chicken bread
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right