If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
You Might Also Like
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog