They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
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me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.