Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
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genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.