Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
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There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
My work here is done
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.