Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
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I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
PARKOUR
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’