For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
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There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.