“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
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*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Me My dog
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Stonehinge
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair