Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
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Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?