In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
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Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Every work meeting this week
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Monday
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.