My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
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Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
When you kidnap a writer.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.