#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
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My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.