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I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?