I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
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the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.