“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
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Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.