While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
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A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Breaking news:
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend