To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
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In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone