Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
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If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
getting old is fun
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
#Caturday
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.