Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
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Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
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[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Hell yeah 👍
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.