My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
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WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I’m giving up ice.