Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
You Might Also Like
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.