“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
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Well, this certainly took a turn
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
The news is so predictable nowadays
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital