“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
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A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*