Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
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If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see