Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
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My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*