T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
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When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
thank god
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.