Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
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Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass