Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
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The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Is anyone gonna tell them?
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Still cracks me up
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.