The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
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Breaking news:
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
I get distracted pretty eas
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.