Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
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If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”