A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
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setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.