I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
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I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome