Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
You Might Also Like
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Pass gas, not judgment.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.