An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
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When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
what could possibly go wrong?