My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
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look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival