Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
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There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
How long do you have to wait between naps?
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
#milo
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand