Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
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Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube