tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
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When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.