Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
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We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what