“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
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My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.