him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
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[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
How your email finds me
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”