craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
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Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.