After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
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I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
the prophecy has been fulfilled
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
taking June’s advice to heart
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.