You Might Also Like
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.