I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
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how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
buying dead houseplants to save time
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Banana is the quietest snack
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume