If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
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ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I’m not lazy
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream