Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
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In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
sin harder.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes