“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
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Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
What the hell is going on?
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.