Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
You Might Also Like
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.